Ah, the joys of wedding season and being engaged. After a few hundred weddings over the past six or seven years, it is finally my turn to “tie the knot.” Not only have I attended these weddings, but most of these I participated in and learned so much. Now I know that all of you are counting down the days to what may be the “Greatest Party of the New Millennium,” I want to settle some fears that you might be encountering in anticipation.
1. 1. 1.There will not be a lighting of the candle. Furthermore, there will not be a lighting ceremony featuring the latest country song by a person that is so head-over-heels in love they were having difficulty staying on pitch while singing the song.
2. 2. 2,You will show up dressed as if this is the important social event it is. Do not show up to our wedding dressed like a fool. I will have several childhood friends in attendance that would love nothing more than to toss you out of the wedding and then proceed to interrogate you (using any means necessary) on why you do not know how to dress for a social function. Big Mike gets a pass on this one.
3. I realize most of you are white. I also realize white people’s affinity for songs that tell them exactly how to dance. Kristen and I together make up one full “white” person. The other person would be Hispanic and Black. Never in the course of human history has a Hispanic or Black person needed someone to tell us HOW to dance. If you are having a problem with dancing….. CONTACT US. We will be more than happy to point you to some YouTube videos that can help you in time for the wedding.
4. GUYS: Do not hit on the Bridesmaids. Yes, I know these are very beautiful women. Yes, I know they look exceptionally stunning in their gowns. But let’s take a look at this for a moment……. Jen and Beth are married, and Nicole and Bethany do not want to “hook-up” with you because they are not feeling vulnerable that one of their best friends is getting married. I mean look at them, they could have most any guy they wanted, so why would they settle for your drunken ass???
5. Eat, Drink, and be merry. If you drink too much and act a fool, see #2 and the repercussions you will incur.
6. LADIES: If you are of a curvier nature (and know that I love curves), it is not a good idea to wear a very outspoken red dress. You may look like the Kool-Aid guy, and then all of us have to walk around thinking that and trying to keep a straight face. Also, if you wear very revealing and sexy clothing, do not get mad if men are staring at you and hitting on you! I’m not going to get mad if people assume I am the groom because I am dressed like one, therefore, you shouldn’t get mad if guys assume you are a “working girl” because you are dressed like one!
7. Do not come expecting to hear any country music made after 1997.
8. Keep an eye on your children! Do not think for one second that if they are making a fool of themselves I won’t take them and sell them on the Black Market!! I will!! And then I’ll use the money to extend our Honeymoon.
9. Lastly, just come have fun with us. Know that if we invited you, it was because we thought enough of you to invite you to the biggest event of our lives thus far. If the Electric Slide starts up, jump on in, but remember, it’s the ELECTRIC SLIDE NOT COUNTRY LINE DANCING.
